(Bad) Joke of the Day

Discussion in 'Offtopic Lounge' started by random_roller, Feb 26, 2020.

  1. random_roller, Feb 26, 2020

    random_roller

    random_roller Member

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    A rabbi, a priest, and a minister are attending an ecumenical conference in another town, and they stop at a bar at the end of the day. The priest pulls out a deck of cards and pretty soon they've got a little poker game going -- only to be busted by an overzealous policeman enforcing the town's strict anti-gambling laws. So they're hauled before a judge the next morning, and everybody's kind of embarrassed about it, including the judge.

    "Look," he says, "just tell me you weren't gambling, and I'll let you go."

    "Well," says the priest, "gambling qua gambling seems to me to imply some sort of intent to win money or with the idea that it would exchange hands at the end of the evening, whereas considering a hypothetical situation such as the one we were engaged in where the money is taking on more of the role of a token merely for tracking the interplay of the game and the relative ..." and so on.

    "Fine," says the judge, "You can go."

    The minister steps up. "It seems to me that given divine foreknowledge of all events, even if we mortals are not so gifted raises the question of whether gambling as a concept can really .." and so on also, and is similarly dismissed by the judge, just leaving the rabbi in the courtroom.

    "Well?" asks the judge. "Rabbi, were you gambling?"

    The rabbi looks around and shrugs his shoulders. "Gambling? With who?"
     
    #1
  2. basicstrategy777, Feb 27, 2020

    basicstrategy777

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    the duck going to school....and then trying to disprove those that say he is full of crap....


    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]
    777
     
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  3. yacraps, Feb 27, 2020

    yacraps

    yacraps Member

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    ...I wonder if the Duck still smokes :)
     
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  4. von duck, Feb 27, 2020

    von duck

    von duck Member

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    Have not smoked in over 11 years, but did for the 41 years prior to that. When I see people smoke now, I cannot believe I used to do it. :cool: What a miserable habit. Never again, will they have me. :)
     
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  5. random_roller, Feb 27, 2020

    random_roller

    random_roller Member

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    One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina.

    The woman started screaming "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!"

    The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit."

    The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina.

    The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, Yes, whatever, just get on with it."

    So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper."

    So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement. She began to moan and groan aloud. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself, he then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.

    The husband at this point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted, "Now wait a minute! What the Hell do you think you're doing?"

    The doctor, still concentrating, replied, "Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the bastard!"
     
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  6. basicstrategy777, Feb 29, 2020

    basicstrategy777

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    Unfortunately, this is not a joke....it is ducks answer to the coronavirus......


    [​IMG]

    777
     
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  7. random_roller, Feb 29, 2020

    random_roller

    random_roller Member

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    Q. What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
    A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

    Q. What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?
    Beat it. We’re closed.

    Q. What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?

    A zit will wait until you’re twelve before it comes on your face.

    Q. What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cubes have in common?
    The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

    Q. What’s the difference between oral and anal sex?
    Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak.

    Q. What’s the difference between your dick and a bonus check?
    Someone’s always willing to blow your bonus.

    Q. Know what a 6.9 is?
    Another good thing screwed up by a period.

    Q. How is sex like a game of bridge?
    If you have a great hand, you don’t need a partner.
     
    #7
  8. basicstrategy777, Feb 29, 2020

    basicstrategy777

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    So the guy is sitting at the dinner table with his wife....he casually says.."what would you do if I won the lottery ? "....she says..." you son of a bitch, I'd divorce you and take half your money."..............he stands up, goes into his pocket and says....' I won 12 bucks last nite, here's 6......keep in touch."

    777
     
    #8
  9. random_roller, Feb 29, 2020

    random_roller

    random_roller Member

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    A hungry Zen Buddhist is walking down the street in Times Square so he stops at a pushcart vendor selling hot dogs.

    The vendor asks, "What will you have?"

    To which the Buddhist responds, "Make me one with everything."

    **********

    Q. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on the beach?

    Sandy

    **********

    Did you hear the one about this man from Alabama who came home and found his wife packing her bags? When he asked her what she was doing, she said, "I'm leaving you! I just found out that you were a pedophile!"

    The man responded, "Pedophile? That's an awfully big word for a 12 year old."

    **********

    Two Irishmen walking by a lumber yard and they see a sign which reads "Tree Fellers Wanted".

    One turns to the other and says "Shame there's only the two of us."

    **********

    There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deerskin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant, and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
     
    #9
  10. random_roller, Mar 1, 2020

    random_roller

    random_roller Member

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    An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

    The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked "What happened?".

    The man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Next I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

    The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

    The old man replied, "Yep, and none of us could get the jar open."
     
    #10
  11. random_roller, Mar 1, 2020

    random_roller

    random_roller Member

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    A priest, a doctor, and an lawyer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

    Lawyer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

    Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!

    Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him.

    Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?

    George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge!

    (silence)

    Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

    Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.

    Lawyer: Why can't these guys play at night?
     
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  12. MisterInside, Mar 1, 2020

    MisterInside

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    RR.......fuckin’ outstanding!
     
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  13. random_roller, Mar 2, 2020

    random_roller

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    A strong young man was on a construction site bragging that he could beat anyone in a feat of strength.

    After several minutes of boasting and calling the other workers out, an older worker said, “I’ll bet you a week’s wage that I can carry something in a wheelbarrow to that fence that you won’t be able to bring back in the wheelbarrow”.

    Confident that he could haul anything, the young man replied, “You’re on… old timer”.

    Slowly, the old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles, before nodding to the cocky young man and saying, “All right, get in”.

    **********

    Mother: Mr. Headmaster, I need your help stopping my son from gambling. I don’t know why he loves it so much but all he can think about is winning money
    Headmaster: Leave this to me

    Seven days later the headmaster phones the boy’s mother

    Headmaster: I think I’ve cured him
    Mother: How did you do it?
    Headmaster: Well, he was looking at my beard and he said that he thought it was false, so I asked if he was willing to wager on it
    Mother: Ok… so then what happened
    Headmaster: He bet $5 dollars and I invited him to pull at my beard, whereupon he quickly discovered that it was 100% natural. I’m certain that this loss will teach him a lesson
    Mother: No… I’m certain it won’t
    Headmaster: Why’s that?
    Mother: Because he made a $10 bet with me at the start of the week that he would pull your beard with your permission by the end of the week!

    **********

    A blackjack dealer and a young gambler with 13 count in his hand are arguing about whether or not it is appropriate to tip the dealer.

    The player says, “When I get bad cards it’s not the dealer’s fault, nor does the dealer have any influence over whether I get good cards or not. So, why should I tip you”?

    The blackjack dealer, clearly fishing for a bit of extra pocket money replies, “But sir, when you eat at a restaurant you tip the waiter, don’t you”?

    “Yes” says the young gambler.

    “Well, like the waiter I am serving you something” says the blackjack dealer. “Instead of food though it’s cards”.

    “Ahhh that’s true, but a waiter only serves me what I ask for” says the young gambler. “So, in that case I’ll take an eight”!
     
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  14. basicstrategy777, Mar 5, 2020

    basicstrategy777

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    [​IMG]
    777
     
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