(Bad) Joke of the Day

Discussion in 'Offtopic Lounge' started by random_roller, Feb 26, 2020.

  1. random_roller, Feb 26, 2020

    random_roller

    random_roller Member

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    A rabbi, a priest, and a minister are attending an ecumenical conference in another town, and they stop at a bar at the end of the day. The priest pulls out a deck of cards and pretty soon they've got a little poker game going -- only to be busted by an overzealous policeman enforcing the town's strict anti-gambling laws. So they're hauled before a judge the next morning, and everybody's kind of embarrassed about it, including the judge.

    "Look," he says, "just tell me you weren't gambling, and I'll let you go."

    "Well," says the priest, "gambling qua gambling seems to me to imply some sort of intent to win money or with the idea that it would exchange hands at the end of the evening, whereas considering a hypothetical situation such as the one we were engaged in where the money is taking on more of the role of a token merely for tracking the interplay of the game and the relative ..." and so on.

    "Fine," says the judge, "You can go."

    The minister steps up. "It seems to me that given divine foreknowledge of all events, even if we mortals are not so gifted raises the question of whether gambling as a concept can really .." and so on also, and is similarly dismissed by the judge, just leaving the rabbi in the courtroom.

    "Well?" asks the judge. "Rabbi, were you gambling?"

    The rabbi looks around and shrugs his shoulders. "Gambling? With who?"
     
    #1
  2. basicstrategy777, Feb 27, 2020

    basicstrategy777

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    the duck going to school....and then trying to disprove those that say he is full of crap....


    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]
    777
     
    #2
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  3. yacraps, Feb 27, 2020

    yacraps

    yacraps Member

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    ...I wonder if the Duck still smokes :)
     
    #3
  4. von duck, Feb 27, 2020

    von duck

    von duck Member

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    Have not smoked in over 11 years, but did for the 41 years prior to that. When I see people smoke now, I cannot believe I used to do it. :cool: What a miserable habit. Never again, will they have me. :)
     
    #4
  5. random_roller, Feb 27, 2020

    random_roller

    random_roller Member

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    One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina.

    The woman started screaming "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!"

    The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit."

    The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina.

    The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, Yes, whatever, just get on with it."

    So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper."

    So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement. She began to moan and groan aloud. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself, he then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.

    The husband at this point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted, "Now wait a minute! What the Hell do you think you're doing?"

    The doctor, still concentrating, replied, "Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the bastard!"
     
    #5
  6. basicstrategy777, Feb 29, 2020

    basicstrategy777

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    Unfortunately, this is not a joke....it is ducks answer to the coronavirus......


    [​IMG]

    777
     
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  7. random_roller, Feb 29, 2020

    random_roller

    random_roller Member

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    Q. What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
    A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

    Q. What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?
    Beat it. We’re closed.

    Q. What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?

    A zit will wait until you’re twelve before it comes on your face.

    Q. What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cubes have in common?
    The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

    Q. What’s the difference between oral and anal sex?
    Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak.

    Q. What’s the difference between your dick and a bonus check?
    Someone’s always willing to blow your bonus.

    Q. Know what a 6.9 is?
    Another good thing screwed up by a period.

    Q. How is sex like a game of bridge?
    If you have a great hand, you don’t need a partner.
     
    #7
  8. basicstrategy777, Feb 29, 2020

    basicstrategy777

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    So the guy is sitting at the dinner table with his wife....he casually says.."what would you do if I won the lottery ? "....she says..." you son of a bitch, I'd divorce you and take half your money."..............he stands up, goes into his pocket and says....' I won 12 bucks last nite, here's 6......keep in touch."

    777
     
    #8
  9. random_roller, Feb 29, 2020

    random_roller

    random_roller Member

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    A hungry Zen Buddhist is walking down the street in Times Square so he stops at a pushcart vendor selling hot dogs.

    The vendor asks, "What will you have?"

    To which the Buddhist responds, "Make me one with everything."

    **********

    Q. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on the beach?

    Sandy

    **********

    Did you hear the one about this man from Alabama who came home and found his wife packing her bags? When he asked her what she was doing, she said, "I'm leaving you! I just found out that you were a pedophile!"

    The man responded, "Pedophile? That's an awfully big word for a 12 year old."

    **********

    Two Irishmen walking by a lumber yard and they see a sign which reads "Tree Fellers Wanted".

    One turns to the other and says "Shame there's only the two of us."

    **********

    There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deerskin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant, and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
     
    #9
  10. random_roller, Mar 1, 2020

    random_roller

    random_roller Member

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    An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

    The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked "What happened?".

    The man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Next I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

    The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

    The old man replied, "Yep, and none of us could get the jar open."
     
    #10
  11. random_roller, Mar 1, 2020

    random_roller

    random_roller Member

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    A priest, a doctor, and an lawyer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

    Lawyer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

    Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!

    Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him.

    Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?

    George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge!

    (silence)

    Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

    Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.

    Lawyer: Why can't these guys play at night?
     
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  12. MisterInside, Mar 1, 2020

    MisterInside

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    RR.......fuckin’ outstanding!
     
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  13. random_roller, Mar 2, 2020

    random_roller

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    A strong young man was on a construction site bragging that he could beat anyone in a feat of strength.

    After several minutes of boasting and calling the other workers out, an older worker said, “I’ll bet you a week’s wage that I can carry something in a wheelbarrow to that fence that you won’t be able to bring back in the wheelbarrow”.

    Confident that he could haul anything, the young man replied, “You’re on… old timer”.

    Slowly, the old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles, before nodding to the cocky young man and saying, “All right, get in”.

    **********

    Mother: Mr. Headmaster, I need your help stopping my son from gambling. I don’t know why he loves it so much but all he can think about is winning money
    Headmaster: Leave this to me

    Seven days later the headmaster phones the boy’s mother

    Headmaster: I think I’ve cured him
    Mother: How did you do it?
    Headmaster: Well, he was looking at my beard and he said that he thought it was false, so I asked if he was willing to wager on it
    Mother: Ok… so then what happened
    Headmaster: He bet $5 dollars and I invited him to pull at my beard, whereupon he quickly discovered that it was 100% natural. I’m certain that this loss will teach him a lesson
    Mother: No… I’m certain it won’t
    Headmaster: Why’s that?
    Mother: Because he made a $10 bet with me at the start of the week that he would pull your beard with your permission by the end of the week!

    **********

    A blackjack dealer and a young gambler with 13 count in his hand are arguing about whether or not it is appropriate to tip the dealer.

    The player says, “When I get bad cards it’s not the dealer’s fault, nor does the dealer have any influence over whether I get good cards or not. So, why should I tip you”?

    The blackjack dealer, clearly fishing for a bit of extra pocket money replies, “But sir, when you eat at a restaurant you tip the waiter, don’t you”?

    “Yes” says the young gambler.

    “Well, like the waiter I am serving you something” says the blackjack dealer. “Instead of food though it’s cards”.

    “Ahhh that’s true, but a waiter only serves me what I ask for” says the young gambler. “So, in that case I’ll take an eight”!
     
    #13
  14. basicstrategy777, Mar 5, 2020

    basicstrategy777

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    [​IMG]
    777
     
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  15. random_roller, Jun 6, 2020

    random_roller

    random_roller Member

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    Anyone remember when sending jokes to co-workers wasn't (potentially) grounds for termination?

    ***********************************************
    Three Accountants...
    ***********************************************
    Three accountants were in the urinal performing
    their morning constitutional.

    The first accountant finishes and walks over to the
    sink to wash his hands. He then proceeds to dry his
    hands very carefully. He uses paper towel after
    paper towel and ensures that every single spot of
    water on his hands is dried. Turning to the other
    two other accountants, he says "At KPMG, we are
    trained to be extremely thorough".

    The second accountant finishes his task at the
    urinal and he proceeds to wash his hands. He uses
    a single paper towel and makes sure that he dries
    his hands using every available portion of the
    paper towel. He turns and says "At Ernst & Young,
    not only are we trained to be extremely thorough
    but we are also trained to be extremely efficient".

    The third accountant finished and walks straight
    for the door. "At Arthur Andersen, we don't pee on
    our hands".


    ***********************************************
    SIGNS OF THE TIMES....
    ***********************************************
    Sign on an electrician's truck:
    "Let Us Remove Your Shorts."

    Sign Outside a radiator repair shop:
    "Best Place in Town to Take a Leak."

    Sign in a Realtor's office:
    "Lots for little."

    Sign in a shoe store:
    "Come in and have a fit."

    Sign in a maternity clothes store:
    "We are open on labor day."

    Sign in a non-smoking area:
    "If we see you smoking we will assume you are
    on fire and take appropriate action."

    Sign on the door of the maternity ward:
    "Push Push Push."

    Sign in a bookstore:
    "We treat you write."

    Sign in an optometrist's office:
    "If you don't see what you're looking for,
    you've come to the right place."

    Sign in a podiatrist's window:
    "Time wounds all heels."

    Sign in a butcher's window:
    "Let me meat your needs."

    Sign on used car lot:
    "Second hand cars in first crash condition."

    Sign in a muffler shop:
    "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."

    Sign at a hotel:
    "Help! We need inn-experienced people."


    ***********************************************
    Who is Jack Schitt?
    The Lineage Revealed.
    ***********************************************

    Many people are at a loss for a response when
    someone says "you don't know Jack Schitt".
    Now, You can handle the situation.

    Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt.
    Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O.
    Schitt, the owner of Knee-deep Schitt, Inc.

    In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the
    deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie
    Schitt, The twins; Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt,
    Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt, a high
    school dropout.

    After being married for 15 years Jack and Noe
    divorced. Noe later married Mr. Sherlock and
    because her kids were living with them, she wanted
    to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe
    Schitt-Sherlock.

    Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a
    cowardly son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and
    Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood
    and consequently, married the Happens brothers in
    dual ceremony.

    The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and
    Horse. Bull Schitt the prodigal son, left home to
    tour the world. He recently returned with his new
    bride, Pisa Schitt.

    Now, when someone say's you don't know Jack
    Schitt, you can correct them.
     
    #15
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  16. random_roller, Jun 6, 2020

    random_roller

    random_roller Member

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    ***********************************************
    Accountant's Math Lesson...
    ***********************************************
    A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his
    wife one Friday evening that reads:

    Dear Wife,
    I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I
    will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and
    sexy 18 year old secretary.

    When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter
    waiting for him that read as follows:

    Dear Husband,
    I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter
    I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome
    and virile 18 year old toy boy. Since you are an
    accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes
    into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.


    ***********************************************
    The Various Stages of Life
    ***********************************************

    THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE

    AGE DRINK
    17 Wine Coolers
    25 White wine
    35 Red wine
    48 Dom Perignon
    66 Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

    EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
    17 Need to wash my hair
    25 Need to wash and condition my hair
    35 Need to color my hair
    48 Need to have Francois color my hair
    66 Need to have Francois color my wig

    FAVORITE SPORT
    17 shopping
    25 shopping
    35 shopping
    48 shopping
    66 shopping

    DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
    17 "Burger King"
    25 "Free meal"
    35 "A diamond"
    48 "A bigger diamond"
    66 "Home Alone"

    FAVORITE FANTASY
    17 tall, dark and handsome
    25 tall, dark and handsome with money
    35 tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
    48 a man with hair
    66 a man

    HOUSE PET
    17 Muffy the cat
    25 Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
    35 Irish setter and Muffy the Cat
    48 Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
    66 Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muffy the Cat

    WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
    17 17
    25 25
    35 35
    48 48
    66 66

    IDEAL DATE
    17 He offers to pay
    25 He pays
    35 He cooks breakfast the next morning
    48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
    66 He can chew breakfast

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------

    THE MALE STAGES OF LIFE

    AGE DRINK
    17 beer
    25 vodka
    35 scotch
    48 double scotch
    66 Maalox

    SEDUCTION LINE
    17 My parents are away for the weekend.
    25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
    35 My fiancee is away for the weekend.
    48 My wife is away for the weekend.
    66 My second wife is dead.

    FAVORITE SPORT
    17 sex
    25 sex
    35 sex
    48 sex
    66 napping

    DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
    17 "tongue"
    25 "breakfast"
    35 "She didn't set back my therapy."
    48 "I didn't have to meet her kids."
    66 "Got home alive."

    FAVORITE FANTASY
    17 getting to third
    25 airplane sex
    35 menage a trois
    48 taking the company public
    66 Swiss maid/Nazi love slave

    HOUSE PET
    17 roaches
    25 stoned-out college roommate
    35 Irish setter
    48 children from his first marriage
    66 Barbi

    WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
    17 25
    25 35
    35 48
    48 66
    66 17


    ***********************************************
    What A Man Hears...
    ***********************************************

    What a woman says:

    C'mon...This place is a mess!
    You and I need to clean.
    Your pants are on the floor
    and you'’ll have no clothes
    if we don’t do laundry now!

    What a man hears:

    C’MON....blah, blah, blah
    YOU AND I blah, blah, blah
    blah, blah ON THE FLOOR
    blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
    blah, blah, blah, blah, NOW!
     
    #16
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  17. random_roller, Jun 6, 2020

    random_roller

    random_roller Member

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    ***********************************************
    Work vs. Prison
    ***********************************************

    In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
    At work you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

    In prison you get 3 meals a day.
    At work you get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

    In prison you get time off for good behavior.
    At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

    In prison you can watch TV and play games.
    At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

    In prison a guard locks, unlocks...opens and closes all doors for you.
    At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all
    doors yourself.

    In prison you get your own toilet.
    At work you have to share.

    In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
    At work you can't even speak to family and friends.

    In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.
    At work, you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they
    deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

    In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the
    inside wanting to get out.
    At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.

    In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.
    At work there are some programs you can never get out of.

    In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic and psychotic.
    At work we call them managers.

    **********************************************
    YESTERDAY
    **********************************************

    Yesterday,
    All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
    Now my database has gone away.
    Oh I believe in yesterday.

    Suddenly,
    There's not half the files there used to be,
    And there's a millstone
    hanging over me
    The system crashed so suddenly.

    I pushed something wrong
    What it was I could not say.

    Now all my data's gone
    and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.

    Yesterday,
    The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
    I knew my data was all here to stay,
    Now I believe in yesterday.
     
    #17
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  18. random_roller, Jun 6, 2020

    random_roller

    random_roller Member

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    For the IT crowd:

    ***********************************************
    Useful Acronyms...
    ***********************************************

    PCMCIA -- People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms

    ISDN -- It Still Does Nothing

    APPLE -- Arrogance Produces Profit Loving Enterprise

    SCSI -- System Can't See It

    DOS -- Defunct Operating System

    BASIC -- Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control

    IBM -- I Blame Microsoft

    CD-ROM -- Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months

    OS/2 -- Obsolete Soon, Too.

    WWW -- World Wide Wait

    MACINTOSH -- Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
     
    #18
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  19. random_roller, Jun 6, 2020

    random_roller

    random_roller Member

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    MICHIGAN ENTRANCE EXAM- FOOTBALL PLAYER VERSION
    Time Limit: 3 Weeks

    1. What language is spoken in France?

    2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with
    particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social
    conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

    3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
    (a) build a bridge
    (b) sail the ocean
    (c) lead an army or
    (d) WRITE A PLAY

    4. What religion is the Pope? (pick only one)
    (a) Jewish
    (b) Catholic
    (c) Hindu
    (d) Polish
    (e) Agnostic

    5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?

    6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little
    hand is on the 12?

    7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)

    8. What are people in America's far north called?
    (a) Westerners
    (b) Southerners
    (c) Northerners

    9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton

    10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being
    George the Sixth. Name the previous five.

    11. Where does rain come from?
    (a) amazon.com
    (b) 7-11
    (c) Canada
    (d) the sky

    12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
    (a) yes
    (b) no

    13. What are coat hangers used for?

    14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?

    15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium
    -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

    16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?

    17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
    (a) New York
    (b) Florida
    (c) Canada
    (d) Wisconsin

    18. Advanced math. If you have three apples how many apples do you
    have?

    19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?

    20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when
    (approximately)?
    (a) B.C.
    (b) A.D.
    (c) still waiting

    *You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify
     
    #19
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  20. basicstrategy777, Jun 7, 2020

    basicstrategy777

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    holy moly random..........you gots the joke bug up your ass......

    husband and wife at the dinner table....husband says, "what would you do if I won the lottery"........wife says, "I'd divorce you and take half your money"......he say," I won last nite, 12 bucks, here's 6....keep in touch."

    777
     
    #20
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